Rude Awakening

The title is a euphemism for the other derogatory things I want to call waking up this morning around 2:15 to yet another fire alarm, and once again standing out in the rain until it finished. Only this time it was much colder, and not my birthday so I wasn't in a good disposition. Now if you have never heard a Virginia Tech fire alarm, you don't understand the severity of the beast. It's nothing like the standard fire alarms, but more of a two headed villain. The first part is more of a warning, a loud fog horn like sound that constantly drones on in the background. It will wake you up, and you know its a fire alarm, but you can deal with it. The second part however, is treacherous. Its very high pitched, and brain numbingly constant, and lucky for us we each get our own- so every room resonates with this high pitched squeal. If you aren't out of the building by then you get out as fast as you can to go stand unceremoniously in the rain in a sea of people returning from parties.

But the title of todays post is two-fold. Now before I go on, I'm going to throw up a big disclaimer. The rest of this post is about blood, and not just any blood, but the kind ovaries and the uterus like to come into cohorts to create. So, if you don't want to read anymore about the inner workings of the female body (much more detail than I've gone into before) click the little 'X' 0n your web browser, migrate away from the page, or simply just stop reading. I am not responsible if you continue to do so against my warning, and if what you read here after haunts you forever.

Now that that is over with, I'm going to get to it. Having a menstrual cycle isn't fair. An estrus cycle would be much more favorable. Think about it, you'd get to reabsorb the uterine lining instead of shed it. Wouldn't that be great?! No more pads, no more tampons, no more ruined clothing. I mean I'm sure that estrus has its own unique set of problems, because we're female so lets face it - our bodies just don't want to be nice to us no matter what. Ovaries are not friendly little things that want to bring you joy. Instead they trigger the release of hormones which hit like fighter pilots whenever it would be at the most inconvenience. I can see it clearly- FSH, LH, progesterone, estrogen, prostaglandin, all sitting there in their little hangers waiting for the call. And then one day it hits "FSH, come in FSH its time to go. GO. GO. GO. GO..." and off in a whorl a swarm of FSH planes come barreling out of the pitutary, zig-zaging around the blood cells down to the ovaries. There they strike- and there they remain, until the call for LH goes in. LH travels the same path, darting past the red-blood cells, to drop bombs on the ovaries. Ovulate! Ovulate! Ovulate! And with an explosion of estrogen and progesterone a follicle escapes into the fallopian tube. Heres where the real trouble begins... the ovum sits and waits for some sign- the sperm- and when they do not show the uterus decides it's time to start the cycle again. It had been waiting, creating a lush home for the ovum, but now all that was wasted. Dash it all! PROSTAGLANDIN! Ahh ha! The urgent call is sent, and prostaglandin is well on the way. The uterus contracts as the signal for FSH goes out once again and the cycle begins again.

Thats how I see it at least... and its an evil, necessary yes, but evil cycle. And for a week you just want to curl into a little ball and cry as cramps wriggle up and down your abdomen and lower back, and you loose more blood than you thought you even had. Whats even more fun is that it doesn't just start or stop there, because for the time before you even start menstruating you get all the fun effects of hormones roller coaster-ing through you. One minute your happy, then you want to cry and you don't know why, and then your the biggest bitch you've ever been in your whole life. Not to mention your fatigued, your boobs hurt, and in general you usually just don't feel well.

Now as I said before, I'm sure the estrus cycle has the same quirks as PMS- since it is the fluctuation in hormones that causes this, but wouldn't you like it so much more if there was that one week where you didn't have to worry about checking your pants as you stood up for an embarrassing spot, or if you had enough pads in you bag that you wouldn't get stuck with out one- or even the horrible guessing game of when exactly you were going to start, because you keep synchronizing with different groups of girls depending on where you are. (And college is terrible for that because the moment you think your good, you go home and throw the whole thing out of whack again so you think you have another week when really you don't..or vice versa.) Oh. And who doesn't love that gush, and the squish, of a heavy period, when you stand up and pray you can get to the bath room fast enough. I know thats my favorite part...

All and all, some times it just sucks to be a girl. Boys don't realize how easy they have it.