Update and a Letter

I talked to my mom today abut this whole "dad" thing. As it turns out, one doctor says it is leukemia, and one says it isn't, so as of right now it is neither here nor there. He will be undergoing chemotherapy, according to him, and other than falling last week seemed to be in relatively good health. I decided to send my dad an e-mail, just one, to tell him how I felt and let him know my reasoning, so if in the end something happens I will have given him that. My reasoning for behaving as I do, and how I feel about the whole situation.

Here is what I wrote:

Hi.

I'm only going to write you once, and I'm going to give you one reply- I'm not opening myself up to get hurt anymore. I can't do it anymore- I've finally started to get my life together, things are going relatively well, and I finally have someone I can trust and enjoy. In no way am I willing to sacrifice any of these things by giving you an opportunity to hurt me again. The whole time I was growing up I was riddled with the subtle abuses you threw at me; the way you favored Jeremy, and how you were never there. To be completely I can't think of any positive memories involving you from my youth. Do you know that song, "Because of you" by Kelly Clarkson- thats how I feel often. And the Pearl Jam song "Daughter" I can't listen to that song without thinking about you, and how often I feel that it is not fair you call me your daughter. I am bound to you by blood and genetic material, but so much more than that makes a man a father, and all those thing are the ones you robbed me of. You made me weary and timid. I am often unsure of myself. I have trust issues, and paranoia that those I love will treat me like you did. There are parts of my life that I don't want you to ever know about, because I don't want any chance of those things getting ruined. I cannot handle loosing some of the things I've gained in the past year. I'm telling you all of this so you know, so you know how you have affected me. I am you daughter, and without you I would not be here or who I am today. But in the same reasoning, you are my father and I deserved so much more. I deserved trust and unconditional love. I did not deserve to be tormented by your actions. And yet I have been, and I am learning to cope. As with all people, parents are my biggest influence and I can blame my flaws on their behavior. But I'm trying to be bigger than that. I did learn things from you. I do not drink, and I will never do drugs, because I can't imagine doing things to my family that you did to ours. I learned how to be strong and look to myself for answers.

After Graduation I simply could not do it anymore. I decided that no longer communicating with you would be the healthiest thing for me. And for a while it was. I heard of your manipulative post on my Myspace, I never read it because I no longer use that application because of your behavior on it. I deleted all your e-mails and didn't read them. Now though, I've heard of your progression to leukemia. I want to send you this one e-mail because of the risks associated with the chemotherapy and the condition of your liver. I want to set the record straight, and let you know how I feel. If something happens to you I want you to know why I haven't talked to you in a year, and that as much as I am unwilling to let myself be hurt by you again, I do think about you. If you do have leukemia, and they do go through chemotherapy, I hope that you do not suffer much. While you are in the hospital I hope you have time to think about your life and make peace with yourself. I hope that the time is not to rough on you. When I come home in May I'm not going to come visit you. I can not handle seeing you in the hospital again; the first time was much to difficult, and I do not plan on calling you or maintaining a long term conversation on e-mail, because I have a lot in my life I still have to move forward with. I have a lot of growing to do still with my mental and emotional health, and continuing this with you I fear would be detrimental to that process. I just want to let you know all this, because I am trying to be completely honest with you. I am done mourning for you, I did that a few years ago, and I can not go through that again.

With all of this information, I just want you to know how I feel, that I have heard about, I do think about you, and I hope all that you go through is not too rough on you.

Britni

I am not going to let this whole thing bother me anymore than it already has. I have made my amends and I'm satisfied with it.

(On a side note, the only reason I am sharing this all with all of you is because I posted last night. I wanted to wrap it all up, and give you incite into my end feelings. I do not want to asked how I feel or any of that hulabaloo. Thx. )