This post is kind of personal. Yes, I know they all are.. but here I'm sharing something I've rarely even told a few people. This post is about my father.
I can't really go into all the details, because I blocked a lot of things out. I also I don't know how much of them I can handle right now. Some what ironically this is the second time I've told this story today.
My dad and I are not on speaking terms, by my choice. When I was growing up my father was and alcoholic and dabbled in drugs. His habits came before the family, and within our family my brother came before me. Jeremy and dad were alway best of friends, where as my most poignant memories of our father-daughter relationship are the the time when I was four, and he hid under my bed and pretended to be Chuckie, and how he labeled the lowest drawer on the filing cabinet the morgue and like to hide my American Girl Doll in it. I remember the fighting, and the drinking. All the self centered behavior of an addict. Then, a few years ago, he had to go to rehab- and he got clean, and for a while things got better. He actually tried to have a relationship with me, even though he wasn't very good at it. Our bonding time was usually watching a movie, or playing video games, but it was bonding. Things were finally getting better, that is, until my sophomore year in high school.
On the second day of school my dad went into a coma from a brain aneurysm. He had Hepatitis C for a few years before this, and the weakness of his liver worsened his condition. For over a month he was on a respirator, and when my brother and I had finally come to terms with removing him from life support he started breathing on his own. He slowly recovered to the point that he could use a wheelchair, and then a walker- but he had returned to his old self centered personality. During the whole year that he was in hospitals, my parents were in the process of a divorce, which my Grandparents disagreed with. The also attempted to force my brother and I to visit, when we didn't want to put ourselves through that anymore than we could handle. To sum it all up, it was a very messy year.
Since then things haven't gotten better. When I graduated Spring 2007, it was the last time I talked to, or saw, my father. The whole ordeal he put me through on that day was too much for me to bear, combined with all I had endured growing up. Although I would occasionally beat myself up mentally for this decision, I stuck with it because I knew in the long run it would be better for my mental health. I finally thought I had finished mourning the loss of my father, because although he was still alive, I had made him dead to me.
Now, I don't know.
I found out today that my father has leukemia. And I don't know how to react. Because of his liver, there is a very high chance he wont be able to undergo chemotherapy, and he wont get better. Though I considered him dead to me before...now, now that he actually might be soon, I don't know what to do. I cried for a minute, not much more, but there is the fleeting feeling of steadfastness. If he dies, will I go to his funeral? What will I say? What will I do? How will I feel? And now, should I break the silence and go see him, or at least talk to him again? Will I be able to handle that? and if I don't- will I be able to live with myself? ...all these things are bouncing around in my head with one other serious question that my genetic predisposed mind wont drop... is this a genetically predisposed condition, and should I be worried for my future as well?
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2 comments:
Bre I'm sorry that this is happening again. I know what it's like not to have a father and while I know that my dad and I got along better then you and your dad... a father is still a father. I know that you don't see him that way. I think we may have had this talk before. Knowing you, if you don't go see him at least once you will spend the rest of your life dwelling on it. I think you need to go see him, you don't have to make nice just go see him, spend time with him and see if you want to take things from there. He has never made your or Jerm's lives easy, not even after his first dance with death. I remember you saying that you would rather him die and at first I thought you were crazy because I looked at it from my point. I would have given anything to get my father back but to you Steve was only just starting to become your father, the way he should have been from the start. I know it has not been easy for you, there are a lot of things I remember you saying you wished you could have done with him. Well, it seems like you have one more chance. See him when you come home so that you won't have it bothering you the rest of your life. Maybe he'll have seen the light in all of this and try to fix things. I know how well you can stay mad at someone so it won't be easy but if he talks to you listen. Maybe you'll find a reason for his actions. Now for you I don't think you have to worry. You will forever and always be worried of following in his steps so you won't let yourself. You will check everything twice before doing it or thinking of doing something. I am worried about your brother, I always have been. I feel that he will follow your dad down the same path because that was his role model.
I'm sorry about Steve and his newest battle. I was with you during sophomore year and if you want I'll still be here for you through this. You're strong Britni but don't let your pride and will blind you.
Good luck.
Wow...Nicole seems pretty smart. Call me if you need me. We love you.
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